closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
