watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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