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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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