im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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