How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
