guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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