True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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