the condom got lost in my hair
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
