i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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