Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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