I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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