i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
