Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
