Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You made out with two different species that night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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