The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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