i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
