I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
