Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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