Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
