God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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