I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just want to make out with him forever
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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