chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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