By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
