i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
