in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
