Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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