actually, I'm a sock model
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
