Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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