pop tarts are not kleenex
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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