Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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