So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
