I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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