I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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