Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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