My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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