My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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