1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
