Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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