What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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