so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
