you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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