Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
