Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When are your genitals available?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
