Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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