Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
