take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
