Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
