yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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