He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What a dumb baby whore.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
