moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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