I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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