I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i will never coherently bang her
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize