fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
