I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
