How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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