I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
