Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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