Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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