proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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