you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
